A few years ago, there was an article called “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love” in The New York Times that went viral. The article talked about how being vulnerable with your someone can help increase the sense of closeness you feel with them. It makes sense, right? When you know a lot about someone and what makes them tick, you probably feel pretty close to them. In many relationships in life, we have to get to know people to make things work. Recall experiences you had in the past – did you get to know your coworkers at each job? In school, did you make friends with classmates or teammates? You probably did, and if you didn’t, you probably had a different social outlet where you got to know people. Getting to know someone by asking them questions is a tale as old as time.

Think back to the start of your most recent relationship.

Those early days full of butterflies and excitement usually come with a long list of get to know you questions. Once you covered the surface stuff, you probably went deeper until you felt like you understood one another. At some point in long-term relationships, that heady New Relationship Energy can fade. Once you’ve settled into the routine of your relationship, you may find you have less time for curiosity about the mystery that is your partner. 

Established relationships have a lot of plus sides, but it can be hard to recapture that early spark that brought you closer together. One way to spark that feeling that you’re getting to know each other again is to ask each other questions! Not just small talk, either! Increasing the level of intimacy in a relationship requires more than superficial chit-chat. You’ll need to go deep to increase the emotional closeness that you feel with one another. Bringing back that sense of closeness, or spark, takes time.

If you’re looking for where to start looking for that relationship spark, we’ve listed some questions to try out with your partner.

You don’t have to use all of these questions, but go through the list to see what makes you curious or what sparks other questions. You can also keep a list of questions on your phone so you can add to it whenever you think of something. Maybe even make it a regular date night! It can be like trivia, but about yourselves and you both win. Especially after the last year and a half, all of our relationships could use some tending right now, and this is a simple way to start. 

50 Questions to reignite the spark in your relationship

  1. Do you remember what your first thought was when you met me? 
  2. What first attracted you to me?
  3. Do you have a favorite memory of us as a couple? 
  4. What do you love about our love? 
  5. What in our relationship makes you feel safe? 
  6. What in our relationship makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable? 
  7. Do you have any fears about our relationship? 
  8. Is there anything about our relationship that you’re struggling with right now? 
  9. What makes you feel loved? 
  10. How do you like to show love to others? 
  11. What was your first impression of me? 
  12. If you could magically create your ideal relationship, what would it look like? 
  13. What is your favorite date we’ve ever had together? 
  14. Is there anything (a song, a meal, a joke, a smell) that reminds you of our early days as a couple? 
  15. Is there anything you want to try that you’re nervous about? 
  16. What is your favorite sexual memory of us?
  17. When was the last time you cried? What did you cry about? 
  18. Do you have a bucket list or a list of things you want to do in this life? 
  19. What do you think are our strongest qualities as a couple? 
  20. How do we make each other a better team? 
  21. What do you think are our greatest weaknesses as a couple?
  22. If you could have a meal with anyone who has ever lived, who would it be? What would you ask them? What would you eat?
  23. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? 
  24. If you could speak a language you don’t speak, what would you choose? 
  25. If you were competing at the Olympics, what sport would you play?
  26. Do you have any recurring dreams? 
  27. What’s something about yourself that you would like to change?
  28. What’s something about yourself that you’re really proud of that I don’t already know?
  29. If you could be any fictional character, who would you want to be? 
  30. If you could travel in time, where would you go?
  31. What are three things you admire about me? 
  32. What are three things you admire about yourself?
  33. Are there any artistic talents you wish you had? 
  34. What’s your favorite part of your appearance? 
  35. What’s your favorite part of my appearance?
  36. Do you have any sexual fantasies that you’d like to try out? 
  37. What kind of porn do you like to watch? 
  38. What’s a way you think we’ve grown as a couple since the start? 
  39. What is your dream retirement scenario? 
  40. What is the most adventurous thing you’ve ever done? 
  41. What is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done? 
  42. Do you have any regrets? 
  43. If you could apologize to someone, who would it be? 
  44. What are you most grateful for?
  45. What do you value most in a friendship? 
  46. Do you feel like you had a good relationship with your parents growing up? 
  47. What made you happy as a kid? 
  48. Is there anything that you miss doing that you used to do? 
  49. What do you wish you had more time for? 
  50. When do you feel the most at peace?

If you’re looking for more support as you work to grow closer to your partner, our therapists can help you find what works best for your relationship so you can get that spark back.